Month: October 2016

Freaky Dreams

Does anybody remember the song “Break My Stride” by Matthew Wilder?  It has the lyric “Last night I had the strangest dream, I sailed away to China.” Well, last night I had the strangest dream but it didn’t include sailing away to China. I was actually in Hawaii for some strange reason. No, now that I think about it I was there for a work conference.

Who did I run into in Hawaii at the conference but, many of the guys that used to torment me in high school. Turns out they were still hanging out together almost 40 years later. Of course, they all still seemed to look like they were high school age. I don’t remember much about my interaction with them in the dream. But it included them trying to get me to drink. They so flustered me that I did drink.

In my dream I was very cautious about the drinking.  I thought I hid it very well. Of course I didn’t hide it at all. Everyone knew what I was doing. To top it off I felt a hangover in my dream.  Then to make matters worse. I was suddenly transported back to my mother’s farm. Where she was, of course, loaded. Remember here, that my mother is deceased. Of course, when I was younger there didn’t seem to be a lot of difference between a dead mother and a drunk mother. Either way she was really unavailable.

Naturally I was quite angry with her. So when the tow trucks came to take the cars, the ones my old high school tormentors had parked their (yes, this makes no sense at all – this is a dream, remember) they couldn’t get the cars they wanted because my mom’s car was blocking them.

The tow truck driver started ringing the doorbell, which exacerbated my hangover, and I ignored them because I was angry with my mother.   Forcing her to get off of her drunk ass  and answer the door.

Then I woke up with a sinus headache – thank goodness. At least that explains the headache from the hangover.  There was also a course  shame and paranoia about getting found out. I view that as a good thing. It means I’m still concerned about my clean date.


My Former Landlord

I have to say my biggest resentment right now is my former landlord.  I could easily deal with her being angry at me.  But the fact is she took my things. That was wrong.

I do not claim to hold any moral high ground when it comes to my former landlord. In fact, I was quite a terrible tenant. I left the place a true mess – that’s a fact. The court did formally give her restitution of the contents. But my iPad, my laptop, and all my camera equipment were not in the condo they were in my car.

Her daughter and her grandson took my car. They moved it. It was not parked in their space. The court gave her no right to my car or its contents. Despite that they took my car and moved it to a new parking lot took my Garmin, my camera, my laptop, and my iPad from my car. They also took my emergency kit from the truck. I had really nice jumper cables.

Legally, they stole my car and stole the contents from.

I do ruminate over this. Deep down I know I caused all of it in the end. If I hadn’t been a selfish, self-centered drunk, then none of that what happened. Here is where the difference between disease and moral failing gets me every time.

If I accept that my addiction is really a disease, then how responsible am I really for my actions? I can never truly absolve myself completely from having acted so poorly.

This is something I’m just going to have to ruminate over some more. For now, I am angry with her still.

What Does the Disease of Addiction Mean to me?

The first question in the “Flat Book” (or The Narcotics Anonymous Step Working Guide) is, “What does the disease of addiction mean to me?”

For me the inescapable word “loss” comes to mind. When I think of the disease of addiction I think of loss. The loss of self, the loss of my family, the loss of my job, the laws of my life.

More than the thought of addiction being a disease, I think of it as a state of being. Being lost.